Learning from Compost

    On a beautiful spring morning, I noticed that my compost bucket from under the kitchen sink was full. This is where I dump my coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable scraps, egg shells and other compostable items. Our outdoor fire pit was also full of ashes, so I decided to go empty the bucket into our backyard compost bin along with the ashes. We have three separate bins, so that while we are filling one bin, another is decomposing and the third is being used in the garden. After emptying the scraps and ashes into one bin, I decided to turn the pile that was sitting and decomposing. 

    As I turned the compost bin that we had filled with food scraps, used coffee grounds, ashes, leaves and grass clippings, I found that over several months, theses things that we usually think of as waste, had turned into beautiful rich soil. I was so excited to use this rich compost to transplant some of the things in my garden that had reproduced. Adding this compost to our heavy clay soil helps create such a rich, fertile soil that lead to a beautiful garden. As I turned this soil and began to get excited about the beauty that would come from this compost, I remembered this passage from Isaiah 61. 

    "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." (Is 61:1-3)

    Jesus quoted the first part of this chapter saying that he was the fulfillment of this passage. He cares about the the brokenhearted. He cares about the things in our lives that have felt like a heap of trash and ashes. And he is the One who can bring beauty out of them! I often don't understand why God allows so much pain in our lives, and have had several long conversations with him about this. But I trust that he will bring beauty from my ashes, just as he has brought beauty in my backyard from the ashes in my compost heap.  

Torn Between Worlds

While we have been living here in the United States for over two years now, I still find myself feeling torn as I try to love people on two continents. An example that cracked me up occurred last week at my son's football game. I was watching him play when I received a call from my ministry partner in Uganda. She was sharing with me about several needs there. Specifically, there are several members of the women's Bible study group who have sickle cell disease. These women are wanting to have testing available to determine if their children also have this genetic condition, and training about how to care for those members who do have it. As I was praying with her over the phone about this need, my son caught his first touchdown pass! I went from praying for my sisters in Uganda to shouting to celebrate my son, then back to prayer. While it is humorous to consider jumping back and forth from serious health issues to an exciting football game, it was also a bit heartbreaking. 

At that moment it occurred to me that the cost of this sickle cell clinic is less than the cost of 15 people coming to watch this high school football game! It is so hard to process these two different worlds in which we live! I pray that God will continue to grow me in my ability to love people well in both of my worlds!

Advent

 This Advent season is a reminder that we are in a season of waiting. Jesus has come and we celebrate that he accomplished our salvation through his incarnation, life, death and resurrection. But we are also waiting for him to make all things new. There are still many we love struggling with sickness and sadness. The brokenness of the world is ever apparent. But our Lord has shown us that He keeps his promises. For many years the Israelites were waiting for their Messiah. Reading the book of Matthew shows us how he came and fulfilled so many prophecies. We can trust that He will come again. This Christmas, I have a greater sense of longing for the day when there will be no more sickness and death. 

    Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”  (Revelation 21:1-5)

As we celebrate this season and enjoy the good gifts it brings, we also look forward to with longing for the ultimate fulfillment in Christ's second coming, when He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. But in this time of waiting, He has called us to share the good news. He has given us the privilege and joy of sharing his love and hope wherever he has placed us at the time. 

The Pace of Life

As my family transitions from life in Uganda to life in the US, one of the biggest adjustments is the pace of life. In Uganda, during the week, we walked to school, walked home, walked to visit neighbors and every night sat around the table together often with friends enjoying a leisurely paced meal. In the US, now that we have school schedules and sports schedules and youth group schedules, it is challenging to find that time together. I needed to sit down on Sunday to figure out what time I need to prepare and serve dinner each night working around all the schedules so that we can have time together as a family. We often feel rushed moving from one thing to the next and it is hard to keep up.

This change of pace has been one of the most challenging aspects of adjustment. I’ve been trying to process why this has been so hard and I have thought of a few different factors. The first is that being in a hurry and having overly fully scheduled leaves little time to be still with the Lord. I have become the queen of multitasking, listening to my Bible reading or a sermon while doing housework or driving. While that may be better for me than not reading the Bible at all, it also isn’t the same as being still before the Lord. My mind and heart are not as renewed or encouraged as when I take extended time away to focus on God’s love. 

The second factor is that full schedules leave little time for deep meaningful connection. I met a friend for coffee but with all the other things in my day, I had to rush out to get to my next appointment. The little time we had was great, but it isn’t the same as hours of doing life together. I think we all desire connection, but often accept the weak substitutes of social media or activities around other people. 

So what should we Americans do? It seems nearly impossible to live a slower paced life here. I am learning a few ways to adjust. I know that I need to make time to rest and have time alone with God that isn’t just while I’m going from here to there. I want to redeem those times too, but setting apart a time to be still is important, I also need to learn to say no at times. I love helping people and don’t like to say that I don’t have time for something. I’m tutoring students in mathematics and I love helping them understand challenging concepts! Life in America is also expensive and I like being able to help with some of our family expenses. But I’m also learning that I can’t do everything and still be able to love my family well. When I am overwhelmed, they are the ones who often have to deal with the stressed out wife/mom who is irritable. 

So I’m asking God to help me live a more healthy paced life even in the midst of the hustle and bustle of America. I’m trying to set apart time to rest in Him and time to meaningfully connect with friends and family here. And I’m learning to say no. It’s humbling to acknowledge my limitations. I like being capable.

 I injured my shoulder a few weeks ago trying to climb an inverted climbing wall after not having done any climbing in decades. I was foolish to think that I could still climb as if I was in my 20s. I think trying to keep up with the pace of life here is similar. I’ve injured myself by overcommitting, thinking I could do it all, even though I had not been keeping up with life in America for 10 years. Having my two boys playing on different football teams and my daughter on a soccer team all during their first semester in school in America, may have been unwise. But sometimes we learn from our mistakes. I’m not climbing that wall anytime soon. And I’m thankful that football season is over and we will have a slightly less busy season ahead. Today, I’m choosing to take some of the time I have to just sit and be thankful. 

A Day of Love

On this Valentine’s Day, I was more keenly aware of how confused we often are about what love is. Walking into the store and seeing candy, flowers and cards, I was reminded that I have had the opportunity to take a ten year break from the American commercialism associated with many holidays. But even in the absence of all the trappings, my heart can still idolize feeling “loved.” I can wrongly focus on how I want my husband to communicate love to me on that day and fail to remember what love really is. 

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” (1 John‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭18‬)

When I think of love, is this what I remember, the sacrificial love of Jesus for us and the opportunity to love those around me in that same way? This year on Valentine’s Day, I got a message that someone I love needed help with transportation. It wasn’t a very convenient time, but it certainly was an opportunity to choose to live out the love I have received. I only had to “lay down” a few hours of sleep and some money in fuel. Nothing in comparison to what it cost God to communicate his love to me.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

As I noticed all the red hearts around used for decorating for this holiday, it occurred to me that red is an appropriate color to be associated with love. The greatest example of love in history is our Savior, Jesus Christ, who shed his own blood in order to bring us into God’s family. Our sin deserved death, so he took that on himself to give us life. How often do I think about how I can lay down my life for my brothers and sisters? How is God calling me to show self-sacrificial love to those in need? And as I do, am I patting myself on the back or am I remembering that the love I have received was so much greater. Any act of service is simply an opportunity to point to the much greater love of Jesus. I pray that we will shine His love on Valentine’s Day and everyday! 

The Red Sea Road

”When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.“

‭‭Exodus‬ ‭13‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭

A friend recently reminded me of this passage. It is one my husband preached on awhile back and I found it fascinating. When you look at a map, it seems ridiculous to see the path the Israelites took when they left Egypt and were traveling toward their promised land. But they were following God as he led them by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. There was no mistaking where he was leading them. Although the place they were eventually going was northeast, they were actually heading south with a body of water now to their east. It must have seemed to them that God was leading them in the wrong direction. Have you ever felt that way? I have. When things got worse and the Egyptians showed up, the people complained and asked if they were just being brought out here to die. (Ex.14:11) They would ask that question many more times before they reached the end of their journeys. 

In June, I had the opportunity to travel with our senior class to Egypt. We travelled along a similar route as the ancient Egyptians, heading from Cairo to Hurghada along the Red Sea. We travelled further south than the Israelites would have, but I was astonished at the long road through the desert. It was amazing to see the mountains and desert to the west and the Red Sea to the east. I thought of how thankful I was that we were driving in a vehicle and not walking. When we reached Hurghada, a beautiful place along the Red Sea, I got a phone call with news that made me wonder if God was leading me in the wrong direction. I felt confused and trapped. Like the Israelites, I had recently seen God’s faithful provision, but the current circumstances were overwhelming. 

Of course, we know how the story of the ancient Israelites ends. God miraculously parts the sea and they walk to safety. Then the Egyptians follow and the sea closes and leaves the Israelites safely on the other shore. Right now I am in a season of not understanding why God has allowed many hard things, but also trusting in his faithfulness. I don’t see a pilar of cloud or fire leading us, but I do see him guiding us in small ways and I am thankful that He has a plan even though I don’t know it. 

I’ve recently started listening to the song, “Red Sea Road” by Ellie Holcomb. Actually I’ve been listening to the whole album, but here are some of the lyrics from this song that have encouraged me. 

So we will sing to our souls
We won't bury our hope
Where He leads us to go
There's a Red Sea road
When we can't see the way
He will part the waves
And we'll never walk alone
Down a Red Sea road

Oh help us believe
You are faithful, You're faithful 
When our hearts are breaking
You are faithful, You're faithful

Teach us to sing 
You are faithful, You're faithful 
Oh grant us eyes to see 
You are faithful, You're faithful, You're faithful

When the Israelites crossed safely, do you know what they did? They sang! Exodus 15 is a song praising God for his provision. Sometimes I need to sing and/or listen to worship music to remember God’s faithfulness in the past and to trust him with the challenges ahead. In times when I feel confused and overwhelmed, I want to remember that I am never alone, and that the One who is with me is faithful. So today, when the doubts creep in, I will put in my earbuds and sing to remember His faithfulness. 

Walking into the Waves

Today we are enjoying the beach as we visit family, friends and ministry partners here in South Florida. It is a beautiful day sunny and warm on the last day of December. Our youngest doesn’t have much experience with the beach and approached with much trepidation, particularly when I read that the flags meant mild caution for animal life. Since I grew up here, I offhandedly mentioned that there might be jellyfish. My daughter, who only knows about jellyfish from her science class, was more concerned. Once we convinced her that we would look out for them and keep her safe, she agreed to walk in. 

As we walked deeper and the waves increased, so did her grip on my arm. When the waves were small, she felt like she could manage mostly on her own, but as the waves increased she felt a greater need for safety from someone bigger than the waves. As I held her and stepped in front to take the brunt of the waves myself, I was reminded of how my Heavenly Father holds me in the waves of this life. He is always there, but when the waves threaten to overwhelm me, that is when I cling to Him the most and am comforted by His strength. 

After a while I was worn out so David took a turn supporting her in the waves. It is amazing that our Heavenly Father never gets worn out! He rejoices when we run back to him and cling to Him in the midst of the waves of life. This beautiful day at the beach has been both refreshing and an encouragement to my soul. If we fallen, finite parents want to protect and support our children in the waves, how much more does our perfect, loving, infinite Heavenly Father care for us! May you be comforted by His love perfect today! 

Trusting God with our children

One of the things I find the most difficult in life, is that I cannot protect my children from pain. As I write, one of my children is recovering from malaria which is a miserable disease. Another child during his first case of malaria in Uganda said that he felt like he was going to die. Since many children in Uganda do die from malaria that was not just an overly dramatic statement to laugh off. It was terrifying. Thankfully he recovered from that case after receiving treatment and the one who is sick now is on the mend as well. 

While physical ailments can be scary, we have always had access to the medical care needed and were able to do something to help them recover. Walking through the challenges our children experience in other ways can be even more challenging. My older two children are learning to be young adults in a country where they did not grow up. Figuring out cultural norms and how to do life in a different place where you do not yet have community is definitely challenging. My younger children are learning to make friends in a new culture. They are used to living on a large compound with other missionary families and children in residence who play outside until dark most days after school. We are working to build relationships with our neighbors here, but we don't really see most of them. It can be lonely. The challenges of adjusting to living in America during this season are not as easy to "treat" as malaria. My heart aches when my youngest cries because she is missing her friends in Uganda and does not yet have many friends here. 

As each of my children face different challenges in adjusting to life on this side of the ocean, I often feel overwhelmed. I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could take away the pain of the losses they are experiencing. I find myself waking in the night wondering how to love and support them well. But what I am learning is that I cannot make it all better. As our children walk through challenging seasons of life, maybe my role is not to make it all better, but to just be there and lift them up to their Heavenly Father who loves them more than I do. I want them to find comfort and joy in Him, not in a comfortable, easy life. Even as I write that sentence I struggle with it. I do want life to be comfortable and easy for my kids. I hate seeing them suffer. What good parent really likes watching their child suffer. But what I am learning, is that God has a bigger better picture in mind. 

In my life, God has always used my most difficult struggles to draw me nearer to Himself and then to give me opportunities to minister to others. Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that our deepest hurts often lead to our greatest opportunity for ministry. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:3-5. 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

Our Lord suffered in this life so that we could be comforted in Him. My prayer is that my children would each know comfort from their Savior as they walk through challenging times. I regularly need to remind myself that I am not my children's best hope. Their Savior is. And I pray that each of them would find hope in Him. 

I am learning that as my children grow, my role is becoming more a ministry of prayer. And maybe, God is teaching me to trust Him with the ones closest to my heart. Maybe, God is reminding me that I never was the One in control and that is a good thing. He is God, and I am not. I don't see the whole picture. I just see a little snippet. And He who loves us enough to die to bring us into his family, also loves us and our children enough to work for our good even in challenging seasons of loss and change. I am learning to trust Him, slowly by slowly (as we say in Uganda), with some sleepless nights along the way. But He is good and I am clinging to that. And He loves our children better than we ever could. 

Giving Thanks in Rainy Season

This rainy season I have been reminded that I often need to choose thankfulness. We have been given so many blessings, but it is easy to lose perspective. In most situations I can choose to give thanks or to grumble and complain. I was reminded on Sunday, how the Israelites often saw the miraculous works of God like the parting of the Red Sea to save them from the Egyptians and then just a few days later began complaining again. (Exodus 14 - 15) I am too much like that. I see God at work in amazing ways and then soon after, I begin wondering if he will take care of me. I often forget to focus on all he has done and the many ways he has provided. 

As theses last two weeks have been exceptionally rainy and cloudy, we have been running out of electricity at some point in the night. The house gets very dark and I often wake when the fans stop. I also often wake to the rain which means we need to close the windows so that the rain doesn’t blow in.  It is easy to get frustrated about not sleeping as well or the extra time it takes to find and light candles and dry everything that has gotten wet in the rain. But I am also reminded how much I have for which to give thanks. 

Instead of being annoyed at the 4 hours at the end of the night and early in the morning without electricity, I can thank God for the 20 hours I do have it. Many friends in our village do not have any electricity in their homes. I am also reminded that other than for a few weeks during rainy season, we are blessed with consistent electricity in a country where that is often not the norm. When we were living in a house on the grid during our first two years here in Uganda, every time someone would turn on a light, Zeke would shout “Power is back!” It was the norm to lose electricity and every time we could turn on a light switch we gave thanks and Zeke celebrated. 

As the sun comes up this morning and I look out at all that is growing this rainy season, I am also reminded of God’s provision through the rains. The land is being watered and people are able to grow food to feed their families. These rainy days are a gift from the Lord! I pray that the Lord will help me to see the blessings in the midst of the struggles. That I would give thanks more than I grumble. And this morning I am thankful that there is a bit of clear sky to literally recharge our batteries. And God is giving me a thankful heart to also figurative recharge. Many you also see God’s good gifts in the midst of your rainy seasons! 

School Fees Gave Birth

 Recently one of our neighbors told another woman, "School Fees gave birth." We were all a little confused when we first heard the statement. When asked to explain, she told us that she had named the piglet she received at Christmas 16 months ago "School Fees." She had built a pen for the pig and taken care of it for that time. She named the piglet School Fees because she has 3 children in school and she planned to use the proceeds from this pig to benefit her children's education. It was a good reminder of her goal. 

I was so pleased to hear that this pig grew and gave birth in time for her to sell 4 of the 8 piglets in time to pay her children's school fees this year. One piglet did not survive, but she still has 3 more piglets growing to expand her business. The next time her pig gives birth, she is planning to give one of the piglets to her mother in order to help her start up her own small farm. It is such an encouragement to me to see your gifts multiply in such beautiful ways. Thank you for your partnership in our ministry here. It is bearing fruit (and piglets). 

Maundy Thursday Service Day

On the Thursday before Good Friday, we often try to do a service project with our students. While our students all live here in Uganda, many of them live in the city and do not have as much exposure to life in the village where most people don’t have running water and electricity. While we are called to serve others in love every day, we choose this day in particular to do a school service project in order to remember Jesus’ example to us. 

On the night before Jesus was crucified, at his last meal with his disciples, he washed his disciples feet. On the church calendar, this day is called Maundy Thursday, meaning “mandate.” The mandate given to followers of Christ is pretty clear. Love one another. Serve one another in love. After washing their feet Jesus said this his disciples, 

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

‭‭John‬ ‭13‬:‭34‬-‭35‬ ‭

Wouldn’t it be beautiful if that is what followers of Jesus Christ were know for? Love 

As our village Bible study group has grown to nearly 100 women, we wanted our students to be able to serve this group of women in particular. The women’s Bible study has been reading in the book of John in preparation for Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. We joined their group this week and washed their feet. Since it was such a large group we had the students working together at 10 different washing stations, washing and drying feet and fetching and changing water. Washing feet is a very practical need here, especially during rainy season. Several of the women walk a distance to come to the Bible study. Sandals are commonly worn here just as they were in Biblical culture. It is fascinating how many things from the Bible make more sense to me after living in Uganda for 10 years. One highlight of this time was that David had the opportunity to wash the feet of our neighbor, Miriam. There was much laughter as it is highly unusual in this culture for men to serve women. 

After serving the women from the Bible study, we took the students to a nearby primary school where they cleaned the classrooms, planted flowers, played games with the students and then read to them about Jesus life, death and resurrection. Our teachers had opportunities to answer questions and share the gospel. It was such a blessing seeing our students and teachers serve in so many ways. 

After lunch the high schoolers went with me to the home of one woman from our Bible study group who lives in a small rented room with five of her children. Our students cleaned her room, fetched water, washed some of their clothes and visited with her family and neighbors. 

This woman is wanting to start up a business selling Chapati, a local flat bread. She had been in this business before, but after having her last child, she has not yet had the resources to start back up. We were able to take her some of the items needed for restarting her business along with a few other necessities. It is our prayer that her business will be successful and she will be able to provide for the needs of her family. 

That evening as we talked about the day as a family, some of my children’s comments convicted me. One of my kids said that we should not just be thinking about service on this day, but we should think about it always. Another one of my kids asked about Jesus’ answer to the rich young ruler in Matthew 19, where Jesus told him to sell all he has, give to the poor and follow Jesus. My son asked if we should be selling all of our things to give more away. 

I am thankful that we follow a Savior who not only told us to serve one another in love, but also did that himself. He humbled himself not only to wash feet, but to die for us, that we might be raised to new life with Him. I pray that we will deeply know the love of Christ for us and that will motivate us all to serve one another in love. 

Still Learning Patience

I’m back at the mobile service center again growing in patience. I have been able to get my old phone number back working, but it is still the older, slower SIM card. I am trying to be thankful that at least my old number works and I can receive messages and phone calls. 

The woman helping me needs my passport and visa and has to take pictures of everything along with a picture of me holding a SIM card and upload them  to the system which often fails. After taking all the photos twice with 30 minutes of waiting in between, she held onto my passport along with the 8th form I have filled out at this place in the past month or so. Then she told me too ok sit and wait while she helped another customer. After helping him she called me up and asked for my old SIM card and then started looking for my passport. She couldn’t find it. After looking at her desk and going to the back several times for several minutes she told me I needed to be looking for it, because she probably gave it back to me. I emptied my bag several times, but I also knew that I never received it back from her. I asked if it might be possible that the previous customer took it from the desk since I had seen it there just minutes before. She showed me that he did not take her phones or cash that was lying around, so why would he take my passport. 

After waiting for quite some time, I began asking other employees to help in the search. There was no manager around to ask for help. At this point I had been in the service center for over two hours and my patience was wearing thin. I also was asking if someone could at least check the security camera to see what had happened to my passport. I had begun thinking of all the implications of a lost passport while living overseas. Buying plane tickets, going to a hotel, even getting a SIM card, require a passport and proof of valid visa. As I tried to keep my mind from spiraling, I decided to dump my bag out once again to look in case I had somehow missed it. 

As I was sorting through all the things in my bag, the woman who was helping me told me I just needed to sit and wait. I explained that I was rechecking my bag as she had told me to do. She then told me that the man she helped right before me had taken my passport by mistake. Apparently she had actually handed it to him on accident along with his other papers. I was so relieved and thankful that the passport was found! 

She told me again to sit and be patient while she figured out how to get it back. I took a deep breath and tried to just be thankful. The man she gave my passport to was traveling and had gone more than half an hour away from town before realizing that he had it.  She told me I could sit and wait or follow her to where she was going to pick it up. Since I had been sitting in the same place for almost 3 hours already, I decided that we would drive along. So David and I followed the service vehicle as it drove ridiculously fast, weaving in and out of traffic for 30 minutes heading away from town in the opposite direction of our home (30 more minutes.) 

As we reached the taxi park, we drove up and were handed my passport through the truck window. This was not how I planned to spend my Friday afternoon/evening. But I am just very thankful to have my passport back. I guess this was another opportunity to grow in patience. I am praying that when I go back to the service center, God will enable me to be gracious, patient and kind. Please pray that I could reflect the love of Jesus to this young Muslim woman with whom I have had the opportunity to build quite a relationship through this SIM card saga. I’m asking God to give me his perspective even in the midst of stressful and frustrating situations. That is not my natural tendency or thought process. But I believe God has to be using this ridiculous series of events for some good purpose. That good purpose may be to just grow me in patience, or it may be an opportunity to show His love to others. 

My Lament

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I have been increasingly easily angered. I am still trying to “be patient” about my SIM card not working. I am sitting at the service center for the 5th time as I write. But that is not the reason for all of my pent up anger. I realized that there were several things I was constantly anxious about and several things that, quite frankly, I was angry about toward God. A good friend encouraged me to take time to write out a prayer of lament to deal with some of my pent up anger and anxiety. 

I knew this would take some time to process, so I decided that I needed an afternoon alone. On a day that I did not have any afternoon classes to teach and our house was going to be empty, I scheduled time to lament. My friend gave me an activity from a Trauma Healing training to work through. It talked about the different components of a lament in Scripture. Looking at Psalm 13 as an example, It walked through the various components of a lament. There are basically two essentials. The first is that you are talking to God directly and the second is that you bring your complaint. Often there is repentance and an acknowledgment of God’s goodness, but not always. 

Growing up as a “good Christian girl,” the idea of complaining to God just feels a bit weird. I often think I’m supposed to “rejoice always.” I’m supposed to believe truth about how God is good and uses all things for our good and His glory. I’m supposed to speak truth to myself and believe it. The problem is that I struggle with all of those things. And when I try to take a short cut and jump right to what I am “supposed” to do, think and feel, I end up stuffing my true struggles and faking that I am fine. But when I end up shouting at my kids and am angry at the world, I realize that I am not “fine.” 

So I wrote out my lament, my complaints to God. It was good for my soul. I told him all the things that feel so wrong and grieve my heart. I told him that I sometimes feel like he hasn’t heard my concerns. After exhausting myself with writing my lament, I rested a bit. Then I decided that I needed to actually speak the words aloud to the Lord. For me, sometimes I am not able to fully process without speaking aloud. I was thankful that I had found a time when others weren’t around so that I could feel free to speak my complaints and concerns to God. Even as I spoke my concerns, truths about his loving care for me and my family came to mind. After writing and then speaking my own personal lament, I decided to use the psalms to further express my feelings to the Lord. 

As I read through several of the Psalms, I was sometimes surprised at how bluntly David spoke to God. The Bible tells us that David was a “man after God’s own heart,” and he often brought his complaints to the Lord. The Trauma Healing material says that more of the psalms are laments (67) than any other type. I took some time and wrote out all the things I read that resonated with my soul from several psalms. I also wrote the truths about God that I wanted to cling to even when I am struggling to believe. It was very helpful to me. I don’t feel like I am “all better” and over the grief and struggles I have, but I do feel less angry. And I do believe that God has heard my cry. 

I don’t know what you may be struggling with right now. In this broken world, we all have struggles. But I want to encourage you to pour out your heart to God. He hears you. He sees you. And he wants your heart. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemies say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’ lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love, my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalm 13)

“Be Patient”

I have been getting a message lately that I need to grow in patience. Yesterday as I tried to figure out why the cell phone company shut off my service, I was asked to re-register and then wait. At first, I was told that my SIM card will be turned on within the hour. Since I made a special trip to town for that purpose, I decided to wait in town to make sure it actually turned on. After 2 hours of waiting, I came back to the service center and inquired about why it was still not working. They told me that it was moving more slowly than usual and I was told, “You be patient. Wait the whole day. It will come on. You just be patient.” This is a pretty common phrase here in Uganda. I am often amazed at how patient Ugandans are in general. I could not stay in town all day waiting on my phone to start working since we were hosting our team devotions that evening and one of my kids was at home sick with malaria. 

During our team devotions we talked about God being faithful to keep his promises. I thought, “that is different from the cellular service center.” When God promises that he will do something, he keeps his promises! But it is also true that I often need to be patient to wait on His timing. 

As I was driving to town the next day, I got stuck behind a very slow-moving dump truck on the dirt roads. Because of the rains, much of the road is not wide enough to pass. And big trucks usually stay in the middle to avoid getting stuck. So as I was creeping along the way to town, frustrated that I could not pass, I realized once again that I needed to be patient. 

When I reached the cellular service center, I found out that the reason my phone never started working was that my SIM card was still registered under my husband’s name and he needed to come with his passport and visa to update it. Of course we live about 30 minutes from town (40 when you are stuck behind a dump truck). I decided that I would get a temporary SIM card so that I could communicate until I can get my phone number switched back on when we are both in town on Saturday. This time I waited in the store until I received the message that my phone now had cell service. I am thankful that I do have a means of communication and that God is teaching me to wait on his timing. 

These little things, that take days longer than I think they should, remind me that even when I don’t understand, God is at work. Not having access to my phone or internet helped me realized that I needed more focused times of prayer and meditation on God’s faithfulness. And it also helped me see little ways that he is at work in other areas of life. As I continue to learn to be patient, I am thankful for God’s faithfulness. He is at work and I will trust in Him.

A Rough Christmas Eve

Today was not the day we were expecting or hoping it would be. Early in the morning I found out that some friends had an attempted break-in in the night. I woke after a night of not great sleep due to the power going off. We have been losing power in the night because the days have been cloudy and rainy and we only have solar power. 

We also woke in the night to our dog, Penny, making an unusual sound. David found that she had gotten stuck with her back legs under our couch and was not able to get out. We don’t know how she got into that position, but David was able to get her out and that seemed to ease her pain. When I got up in the morning I was preparing food for a brunch with our missionary team. I was preparing some foods that she usually loves, so I thought I would give her some of the sausage juices along with rice. Her health has been declining over the past several months, but has significantly worsened over the last few days. She refused the sausage soup, even when I fed her by spoon. I thought maybe I should try chicken broth instead. When she also refused the broth I knew she must not be doing well. Throughout the morning her health continued declining. We went to a Christmas brunch with our missionary team and David called to find a veterinarian who would come to our house to check on her. Later in the afternoon, the vet came and we all agreed that Penny was not going to be able to recover and we wanted to reduce her suffering. We sat with her and said goodbye and then they gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. A couple of our kids dug a place to bury her. We said a few words and then buried our dog. It was a Christmas Eve with lots of loss. 

Today I have been thinking about how the heartbreaks like dogs dying and friends having an attempted break-in make us long for eternity where there  will be no more pain or sorrow or death. No theft. No loss. No goodbyes. No brokenness. I look forward to that day when all things will be made new. 

And this is why Jesus had to come. To restore what was lost and broken. To bring healing and redemption. So that all these effects of the Fall in our world will be washed away. This is what Christmas is really about. Our Lord Jesus entered the world as a baby in order to redeem us. 

“O Come, O Come Emanuel, and ransome captive Israel, that Norns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emanuel, has come to Thee O Israel.”

“The thrill of hope the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.” 

I thought it was so sad to experience loss on Christmas Eve, but what a fitting time to put our hope fully in the only One who can bring true joy and peace to our world and to our hearts. May you also find joy and peace in Christ this Christmas! 

Rainy season driving

Yesterday as I was driving to town on the dirt roads we had an exciting experience. Since it has been very rainy lately the roads that are dusty during dry season have become muddy and slippery. On sections where the road goes up or down a hill, deep ravines are forming as the rain runs down and continues to wash away more of the road. Additionally these roads are used by the heavy sugar cane tractors which have been getting stuck in the mud of late. 

As I drove on this muddy mess with people walking on the side and motorcycles coming toward me, I tried to navigate this slippery terrain. In order to avoid hitting people and getting stuck in a ditch, I turned the steering wheel a bit. That was when I realized that I had no control over where this vehicle was going. We were just sliding along and I had no traction. I called back to my boys who were in the van with me to pray! One side of the vehicle slipped into a low rut in the road and then we were able get a little bit of control as we slowly moved ahead. Once the road became more level, we were able to get out of the rut and continue forward. 

My sweet friend who was in the car with me was so encouraging and said that she couldn’t believe I made it through without panicking. I told her that it would not help at all to freak out, so I just prayed and did whatever I could. As we were talking I realized that I have learned to handle some of the crazy things about life here in Uganda in that way, but there are many aspects of life where I struggle much more. 

I told my friend that having the steering wheel in my hand gave me a sense of control when driving, but when we started slipping I realized that I wasn’t really the One in control. And honestly that is a good thing! 

Lately life has been a slippery road. There have been so many challenges and heavy situations. Many people I love are walking through difficult seasons and I cannot control the vehicle. I have written in previous blog posts about losses and Ebola. I’m also taking a quick one week trip to the states for a friend’s wedding and I am concerned about being apart from Evie in particular. Honestly, I feel like I’m metaphorically sliding along the road of life and panicking. I am thankful for that experience while driving because it reminded me that my initial response should be to pray and then just do what I can. It isn’t going to go perfectly. I’m a fallen person in a broken world full of slippery roads. 

I also realized that having an encouraging friend in the passenger seat and my boys praying in the back were such a blessing! Just the presence of my friend in the van reminded me that I was not alone in this struggle. And her words acknowledging the challenges and encouraging me also had a calming effect. Just having people there to ask for prayer also helped! 

This morning I woke ridiculously early, as I often do, my mind spinning. As I write I am listening to the song that reminds me that.”I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God!” I want to learn to rest in this truth as I slip along the road of life. Thank you for praying with and for me and my family. I’m thankful that we are in this together! 

Ebola update

Almost a month ago, Uganda announced that a 24year old man was diagnosed with Ebola and had passed away. There were apparently 20 previous deaths in his area that have since been declared “suspected cases” since it was too late to test to confirm. Now Uganda has had 58 confirmed cases and 21 confirmed deaths. This past weekend, the president of Uganda announced a lock down for the two primary affected districts. Since this outbreak is several hours drive west of us, we have not been impacted much where we are. There have been two cases in Kampala, but they were a couple from the affected regions. We pray that others in the Kampala area were not infected. 

While we are currently not concerned about the outbreak in terms of our personal health, the levels of stress and anxiety are high as we sort through the “what ifs” for both our family and our school. Since we live on a large compound at Good Shepherd’s Fold and are able to isolate with our team here if need be, we do not have any plans to leave Uganda. Below I have included a map from the CDC to help you see the location of the outbreak in Uganda in relation to our location (the yellow dot). 

After more than two years of life being impacted by COVID, we were hoping for a more “normal” school year. Thankfully, our school schedule has not yet been impacted. It is our hope and prayer that this outbreak will end soon and not spread any further. In the midst of the challenges, God continues to teach me to depend on him. I have been trying to read large sections of Scripture to saturate my mind with truth in the midst of my struggles with anxiety. While reading through Romans, I was reminded of the value of suffering, even though it is my tendency to want to avoid it as much as possible. 

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”‭(Romans‬ ‭5:1-5‬)

I am reminded that God has loved me enough to bring me peace through his great sacrifice. And I pray that He will enable me to rejoice in the midst of challenging and uncertain times knowing that he is growing me in endurance, character and hope. Please pray with us both for an end to this Ebola outbreak and that God would grow us in the midst of it. 

Rough Re-entry

We have been in Uganda for a little less than 3 weeks and it has been a whirlwind. We knew we would be jumping in without any adjustment time, but it has been a bit rougher than expected.

When we first returned home, it was good to be settled back in our home, but also sad to have Elijah’s bed and seat at the table empty. It was a sense of loss and while I am thrilled for him and where he is, we are also missing him a great deal! 

We arrived on Saturday and began teacher meetings on Monday with classes beginning on Wednesday. So we needed to quickly adjust to the time zone, unpack and distribute curriculum and prepare to start the semester. We anticipated this and had packed in such a way as to simplify unpacking. 

What we had not anticipated were the many other upcoming challenges. First, David’s SIM card was not working for about a week an a half. So he would drive the 30 minutes to town, go to the service center, wait for hours and then they would tell him that it will start working within the next two hours. The first two times they told him that, his phone still did not work. Of course he had no way to communicate during that time and missed appointments with people and did not get messages about picking up one of our kids, so the SIM card issue led to lots of extra trips to town and what felt like lots of wasted time and money. The cost of fuel has also significantly increased here. 

When fuel costs go up, so does everything else that requires fuel. For example, the cost of food has significantly increased because fuel is necessary to get food to the market. Also, everyone pays more to get to themselves to and from work. In a country where that margin is very thin, many Ugandan friends have told me about their families needing to skip meals to make ends meet. Because of these increased costs along with the start of the next school term, many people have needed additional support. Our employees and Ugandan ministry partners needed additional funding, but there was not any money in our account here in Uganda. We had a miscommunication with the home office and the money was not transferred that was needed for starting back up with school and other ministry needs. The money eventually came, but that added more complications and stress. 

In addition to the stress of not having the money at the time it was needed, we are also realizing that with the increased prices, our budget for this year will not be sufficient. We will be sending out an email with more information about that soon. This has been another source of stress in the midst of this adjustment. The most difficult part of not having sufficient funds is not being able to support our Ugandan friends and ministry partners more in this time of their increased expenses. 

In the midst of our first week back, when David’s phone was not working and we didn’t have money in our bank account, our vehicles were also not working and our solar power stopped working. After a full day with no electricity in our home, we finally found the problem. There was a wire that was damaged going from the solar panels to the batteries. We were  able to get the wire repaired, but the batteries had been completely drained, so we had to wait for the sun to come out the next day to start recharging our batteries. 

When it felt like we had gotten through the worst of all of this, some of our friends lost a child. She was only a year and a half old and our community is all grieving with them. It is heartbreaking to see your friends and students walk through such a loss. I am glad that we were back in Uganda so that I could attend the burial and we could love and support their family in this time of grief. 

The day after the burial I had to take our two Ugandan teenagers back to their boarding school. They lived with us for the 2 years that Ugandan schools were closed for COVID, and they have been staying with us on school holidays for several years now. Since they had been at home with us since our return to Uganda, saying goodbye to them at school was another transition and loss for our family. Some people laugh when I say this, but only having four kids at home feels like our family is so much smaller.  

 In the midst of these challenges, loneliness, and grief, I am learning to pray more. I know that my confidence is not that life will go smoothly or be comfortable, but that God is with me in the midst of it. As I read Psalm 146 this morning I was reminded that my hope is in the Lord alone. He cares about each of these challenges we face and He is the One I need to run to. I pray you also find your hope in Him today. 

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin. The Lord will reign forever, your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the Lord! 

Malaria?

A few nights ago, as we were sharing with friends from our home church about God’s work in Uganda, I started feeling pretty ill. Soon afterward I was shivering uncontrollably. I had been having back and head aches all day, actually on and off for a few days, but I assumed it was just from packing and moving heavy bags. (I’m not as young as I once was.) When I started shivering and then felt nauseous, I realized that this is the normal progression when I have malaria. Last summer when we had been in the US for 2 months, two of our kids came down with malaria. They tested positive after several cycles of high fevers and nausea. 

Now I am wondering if I have malaria. I tested negative for Covid and so I am just treating for malaria. We know too many stories of people coming down with malaria in the US and it getting very severe because the treatment isn’t as accessible here. So we travel with malaria treatment. I have now treated and am feeling much better. The day after my high fever, Esther took care of Evie and did the shopping and packing for heading back to Uganda. She is an AMAZING daughter! What a gift! I slept on and off most of the day and was feeling much better after medicine and some good rest! 

The next day was another day of packing up and shifting to another house. We are very grateful for all of the generosity of many people sharing their homes with us! We will also be happy to be in our own home in Uganda and not living out of a suitcase! One of my children pointed out that we will have slept in 9 different places this summer. I thought that couldn’t be true since we spent a whole month at one missionary guesthouse, but then I counted. It is true. And it is hard to wake up each morning and need to remember where everything is in this house. This morning I noticed that Google maps told me that my “home” was the missionary guesthouse where we stayed for a month. I almost cried. I am thankful that during our next furlough we will be able to stay in our own house in Georgia! 

While a physical “home” has been elusive, our church family certainly felt like home again quickly. Our whole family has reconnected with friends from our church. I am so thankful for these relationships that have been a tangible representation of the love of Christ to us over the years. It makes saying goodbye hard every time, but I am thankful! 

Last night this amazing church family helped us celebrate Elijah turning 18! Since Elijah enjoys chess, our sweet friends who were our gospel community group 10 years ago set up a chess tournament birthday party. It was so cleverly decorated and set up with his favorite things. In the midst of sickness and packing and everything, I didn’t know how I would plan a party, but my sweet friends did it all! I am so very thankful for this community that loves us and uses their gifts to show love to our family! 

 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”
‭‭John‬ ‭15:12

I am so thankful to know the love of Jesus better because of these dear friends who show his love to us! 

The Final Days

In 10 days I drop my firstborn off at college and a few days later fly back across the ocean. As I write these words, tears stream down my face. I remember the day just about 18 years ago when he was born. He has been a blessing to our family all of these years. He has always had wisdom and maturity beyond his years. He is an amazing young man and I am so very proud of him! 

As he begins this new adventure far away from home, I am reminding myself of truths that have brought me comfort over the years. The first and maybe the best “mom advice” I received came when I was pregnant with Elijah. I had been concerned that I might be having a miscarriage. I was crying in the teachers lounge and a friend walked in. When I explained to her what I was so anxious about, she told me that this was the beginning of my practice in trusting that God has my child in his hands. She said, “At first we worry about the pregnancy. Then once they are born, we feel the need to check on their breathing in the night. We feel like it is up to us to make sure our children are ok. Then, once they can walk we worry about if they will run into the street. When they learn to drive, it is an even bigger concern. But all of these are opportunities to trust God with our children. We can choose to live lives worrying, or we can pray and trust that God has them. He can care for them much better than we can.” She was not suggesting that we neglect to equip our kids for these stages of life, but she was suggesting that maybe it would be good to also equip ourselves to trust God. In each season when I begin worrying about my kids, I remember her advice and try to shift from fear to faith through prayer. 

In a little over a week, I get much more practice in trusting God with my child. It isn’t easy or painless, but God is good. All the time. He will be with me and He will be with my son in this new adventure. 

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26:3-4‬)