First, it helps me to figure out where this increased anxiety is coming from. It didn’t take me long. Yesterday was rough. We had a faculty meeting in the morning which began with finding out that our request to have a final week of school had essentially been denied. Of course, it wasn’t that straightforward, but that was the gist. Since March, we have been planning how to do school based on the announcements the president of Uganda makes. At first it was 2 weeks off, then extended to a month, then a few more weeks, then another month. It is really challenging and stressful to always be waiting and adjusting. I know it is the same around the world, but that doesn’t make it any easier. So we all began to process this news in different ways and work on plans for wrapping up the school year. For David and me, this school is the work we felt called to do 8 years ago and is the reason we moved our family across the ocean. We are both people who like to do things well and want to serve these missionary families as best as we can. This year has been disappointing. Our students have missed Sports Day, Spring Formal, our school outreach project, and much more. They have missed seeing their friends, cooperative learning activities and valuable class discussions. I have missed opportunities to speak into the lives of my students and point them to Jesus. I have missed experiencing that lightbulb moment with my students when they grasp a particularly challenging mathematical concept. I hadn’t completely given up hope of squeezing in a few of those activities until the moment we got word that morning. It was disappointing.
One additional stressor was that I had hoped to meet with my students in person to help some of them get caught up on missed assignments or concepts they have struggled with during this distance learning time. Most of our students have tried homeschool and/or online school and struggled with those options. They needed the ongoing interaction of being together with other students and teachers. So I also began thinking about how to meet the needs of my students who have fallen behind.
As I mentioned before, our faculty all processes differently. We began discussing plans for how to wrap up this last week with our students. It became obvious that there is a lot to be done. But first we had a parent teacher conference. Every year parent teacher conferences make me nervous. I always wonder if the parents are happy with me and think I am doing a good job as a teacher/administrator. I know that the point of these conferences is to work together to know how to best help our students grow and learn. It isn’t about me. But my desire for approval often rears its ugly head in my heart and increases my anxiety. After completing this one conference, we needed to schedule a dozen more, but we cannot have the parents come to our campus. As a staff we all had different ideas about schedules and how best to do that. So we tabled that discussion.
In general, I don’t like anyone to feel unhappy. I don’t love conflict. And I often want to try to solve everyone’s problems to make them happy. Guess what? That doesn’t usually work. I’m not God and it isn’t my job. He knows what is best and what people need much more than I do. He is able to do whatever He knows needs to happen, and I should trust that much more than all of my ideas. Nevertheless, my brain feels the need to come up with a solution that will address everyone’s concerns. And when I am not able to do so during the day, my brain often keeps going at night.
As soon as the meeting was over, I had scheduled to take two of our teenagers to town. We are only permitted to have 3 people in a vehicle which adds some interesting dynamics when our 7 children all want to see friends from town. Today, these two got to hang out with a couple friends while I had some errands to run. Since we live on campus with children who are vulnerable to disease, we try to take extra precautions while we are out. This goal of limiting interaction makes going to the multiple different stores needed to procure items from town more stressful. We don’t really have a one-stop sort of shop.
While I was moving around town, I had multiple conversations with people who mentioned hearing rumors of various possible government regulations that would impact us. I heard that the Minister of Health threatened to impose a harsher lock-down than before if people do not follow the current regulations. I was wondering if we needed to stock up on food again in case this happens. Since we get most of our money through wire transfers from the US and we are in the midst of a building project, we don’t currently have as much cash on hand. The money that was sent from the US on Friday will likely show up in our account here on Tuesday. I began wondering what would happen if we got sent back into a lockdown before then. I know that worrying about the “what if’s” is not helpful, but that doesn’t always stop me from going there.
Then another person I saw mentioned that they heard that schools might not start back until February 2021. We have been working on plans for next school year for months, and that rumor also sent my mind spinning. Of course, I have no idea what will really happen. This could be misinformation or simply ideas that have been thrown around. But I began processing all of the possibilities. I know that I should first focus on turning my attention to finishing this year well and then prepare for the next one, but these questions are all in the back of my mind. I’m not great at compartmentalizing.
All of these questions, concerns and challenges were swirling through my brain when I woke at 4 am along with a few other family concerns. And I wondered what I should/could do. After acknowledging where these concerns were coming from, I needed to ask God to help me remember that He is sovereign over this all. The previous morning, I had talked with a friend who has lots of big questions looming. She is trying to remember that God is the One who is in control and that whatever happens, he has allowed in His good plan. He is in control and working for our good in the midst of all these questions.
By about 7am I was able to shift my focus from all the challenging circumstances and questions to God’s goodness and sovereignty. I was remembering some of the words to the song “Sovereign Over Us.”
There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
These words gave me the peace to be able to sleep for about an hour until I needed to get up and care for my family. I hope that as we all struggle with many questions and uncertainties about the future, that you will also be comforted by God’s sovereignty and love as we learn to look to Him alone for peace.
