My Lament

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I have been increasingly easily angered. I am still trying to “be patient” about my SIM card not working. I am sitting at the service center for the 5th time as I write. But that is not the reason for all of my pent up anger. I realized that there were several things I was constantly anxious about and several things that, quite frankly, I was angry about toward God. A good friend encouraged me to take time to write out a prayer of lament to deal with some of my pent up anger and anxiety. 

I knew this would take some time to process, so I decided that I needed an afternoon alone. On a day that I did not have any afternoon classes to teach and our house was going to be empty, I scheduled time to lament. My friend gave me an activity from a Trauma Healing training to work through. It talked about the different components of a lament in Scripture. Looking at Psalm 13 as an example, It walked through the various components of a lament. There are basically two essentials. The first is that you are talking to God directly and the second is that you bring your complaint. Often there is repentance and an acknowledgment of God’s goodness, but not always. 

Growing up as a “good Christian girl,” the idea of complaining to God just feels a bit weird. I often think I’m supposed to “rejoice always.” I’m supposed to believe truth about how God is good and uses all things for our good and His glory. I’m supposed to speak truth to myself and believe it. The problem is that I struggle with all of those things. And when I try to take a short cut and jump right to what I am “supposed” to do, think and feel, I end up stuffing my true struggles and faking that I am fine. But when I end up shouting at my kids and am angry at the world, I realize that I am not “fine.” 

So I wrote out my lament, my complaints to God. It was good for my soul. I told him all the things that feel so wrong and grieve my heart. I told him that I sometimes feel like he hasn’t heard my concerns. After exhausting myself with writing my lament, I rested a bit. Then I decided that I needed to actually speak the words aloud to the Lord. For me, sometimes I am not able to fully process without speaking aloud. I was thankful that I had found a time when others weren’t around so that I could feel free to speak my complaints and concerns to God. Even as I spoke my concerns, truths about his loving care for me and my family came to mind. After writing and then speaking my own personal lament, I decided to use the psalms to further express my feelings to the Lord. 

As I read through several of the Psalms, I was sometimes surprised at how bluntly David spoke to God. The Bible tells us that David was a “man after God’s own heart,” and he often brought his complaints to the Lord. The Trauma Healing material says that more of the psalms are laments (67) than any other type. I took some time and wrote out all the things I read that resonated with my soul from several psalms. I also wrote the truths about God that I wanted to cling to even when I am struggling to believe. It was very helpful to me. I don’t feel like I am “all better” and over the grief and struggles I have, but I do feel less angry. And I do believe that God has heard my cry. 

I don’t know what you may be struggling with right now. In this broken world, we all have struggles. But I want to encourage you to pour out your heart to God. He hears you. He sees you. And he wants your heart. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemies say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’ lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love, my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalm 13)

“Be Patient”

I have been getting a message lately that I need to grow in patience. Yesterday as I tried to figure out why the cell phone company shut off my service, I was asked to re-register and then wait. At first, I was told that my SIM card will be turned on within the hour. Since I made a special trip to town for that purpose, I decided to wait in town to make sure it actually turned on. After 2 hours of waiting, I came back to the service center and inquired about why it was still not working. They told me that it was moving more slowly than usual and I was told, “You be patient. Wait the whole day. It will come on. You just be patient.” This is a pretty common phrase here in Uganda. I am often amazed at how patient Ugandans are in general. I could not stay in town all day waiting on my phone to start working since we were hosting our team devotions that evening and one of my kids was at home sick with malaria. 

During our team devotions we talked about God being faithful to keep his promises. I thought, “that is different from the cellular service center.” When God promises that he will do something, he keeps his promises! But it is also true that I often need to be patient to wait on His timing. 

As I was driving to town the next day, I got stuck behind a very slow-moving dump truck on the dirt roads. Because of the rains, much of the road is not wide enough to pass. And big trucks usually stay in the middle to avoid getting stuck. So as I was creeping along the way to town, frustrated that I could not pass, I realized once again that I needed to be patient. 

When I reached the cellular service center, I found out that the reason my phone never started working was that my SIM card was still registered under my husband’s name and he needed to come with his passport and visa to update it. Of course we live about 30 minutes from town (40 when you are stuck behind a dump truck). I decided that I would get a temporary SIM card so that I could communicate until I can get my phone number switched back on when we are both in town on Saturday. This time I waited in the store until I received the message that my phone now had cell service. I am thankful that I do have a means of communication and that God is teaching me to wait on his timing. 

These little things, that take days longer than I think they should, remind me that even when I don’t understand, God is at work. Not having access to my phone or internet helped me realized that I needed more focused times of prayer and meditation on God’s faithfulness. And it also helped me see little ways that he is at work in other areas of life. As I continue to learn to be patient, I am thankful for God’s faithfulness. He is at work and I will trust in Him.