Ready for Take Off

In this past month, our firstborn has graduated from high school, we have said goodbye to several dear friends who have been a part of our lives in Uganda for years, and now we are preparing to travel to the states to take our son to college. It has been a lot of emotion and a lot to process. I have been mostly concerned with my kids and how they are doing as they process all of this change. But I have also found that I’m grieving even while I celebrate those who are moving on. As I have been sad about all the goodbyes, one verse keeps coming to my mind.

“God has said, ‘Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

It is so good to know that I have a friend who is always with me. In the midst of these many farewells I am clinging to the promise of His presence wherever I am. 

Women’s Day washing

Women’s Day is a public holiday here in Uganda. Schools are closed, everyone is off work and men are expected to do the cooking and housework. I was excited to have a day without my usual responsibilities at work and home. As I thought about what to do with my time two things came to mind. First, I wanted to visit with some of my neighbors. I used to do that so much more before COVID. It is one of the things I love here in Uganda. People in the village take time to sit and talk. I also wanted to paint my toe nails. I had a pedicure several months ago and it had grown out off of all my toe nails except my big toes. Since I wear sandals every day, I enjoy having my feet looking nice. It is just a small thing, but I thought that might be a nice thing to do on Women’s Day. As I considered this I wondered if it would work to combine the two things and do pedicures with my neighbors. 

I spoke with a few Ugandan friends who said that they thought the women would really enjoy a pedicure. So I got my supplies together and headed out to the gate to my neighbors’ house in the village. Since roads around here are either dusty or muddy, it is definitely necessary to wash your feet before painting your toenails. So I brought a bucket, soap cloths and a foot file along with nail clippers and polish. Dead and dry skin build up is very common for those of us who walk dusty roads either with sandals or bare feet. Since my neighbors have not had much experience giving themselves a pedicure, I offered to do it for them. 

The first thing I noticed was that they were apologizing about how dirty their feet were. I showed them that mine were just as dirty. But even still, two of the women went and washed their feet before coming to get their feet scrubbed and nails painted. It reminded me of the many ways I often try to clean myself up first instead of just accepting that I am washed by the work of Jesus on my behalf. 

When I was in college and worked as a server at a restaurant, I remember talking with a coworker and inviting him to church. He said he couldn’t come until he got his life together. I tried to explain that Christians are people who acknowledge that they can’t do life perfectly and know they need a Savior, so the church is not a bunch of people who have their lives together, but a bunch of people who recognize that they don’t and that they need a Savior. He never did come to church, and I think that was primarily out of shame. I wonder how many more people would feel free to come to church if we stopped pretending to be cleaned up and to have it all together and were willing to talk about our own failures and brokenness. Jesus said it this way:

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke‬ ‭5:31-32‬) ‭

When I was scrubbing the dry skin off the feet of my neighbors, it seemed to help for me to talk about how much time someone else spent working on scrubbing the dry skin off of my feet. I wanted my friends to know that we are in the same boat. We are both people with dirty feet, cracked dry skin and calluses. And we are also all people who are equally in need of the spiritual washing that Jesus offers. 

After washing we enjoyed painting our toenails together. Their children LOVED seeing their moms with bright, shiny toenails. I am thankful for these amazing hardworking women who I have the privilege of calling my neighbors and my friends! And I am thankful that we all have a Savior, Jesus, who came to call sinful people like us and washes us, making us clean, beautiful and righteous in Him. 

When things don’t make sense

Yesterday, my husband, David, and I were both in town at the same time and we both had valid visas. We had been getting notices to upgrade our SIM cards to 4G and we wanted to switch one of the SIM cards to be registered under my visa. When your visa expires, your SIM card gets switched off. It doesn’t matter if you have already applied for your visa renewal and have submitted many documents that keep getting requested as your visa application is deferred multiple times. My visa was finally approved and processed after a couple trips to immigration. Since David’s visa will expire in a few months and he will go through this whole process, we thought it would be wise to switch my SIM card to depend on my visa which is good for 2 years now. 

After standing in line at the customer service center for over an hour, the woman upgraded David’s SIM and then told us to go sit and began helping another customer. I was confused and frustrated. I asked another man who worked there, why we were sent to sit when we had not yet accomplished what we came to do. He went and spoke with the grumpy woman and came back and told me that you can only do one thing with a passport per day. Since David had already upgraded his SIM card, we would need to come back another day to transfer the other SIM to my name. I explained (some might say argued) that we didn’t want to use his passport, we just wanted them to register to the number with my passport. Apparently that would still count as using his passport since the SIM had been registered under his passport. At this point I was a little more obviously annoyed when I asked something like,”So you are telling me that we both need to come back another day, stand in line for more than an hour to switch the SIM card to my passport and then return on a THIRD day and stand in line for another hour or more to upgrade my SIM card?!?” The answer was a straightforward, “yes.” 

As we left I was still annoyed, but trying to not let this ruin the day. While we were sitting down for lunch, David said, “It’s kind of funny when you are the one who is angry.” We had recently had some situations where it was the other way around and I had pointed out his irritability. 

Later that same day, I stayed in town to visit with a friend and let one of our kids go to a birthday party. My other children who were with me were incredibly patient as they waited for hours at various points throughout the day. I thanked them on the way home and one of them said, “We’ve had lots of practice.” 

Reflecting on my impatience and irritability in the SIM card situation and then seeing how patient my children were was humbling. As I was thinking about this, the parable of the unmerciful servant from Matthew 18:21-35 came to mind. In this parable Jesus answers the question about how many times we should forgive others with a story. A man with a huge debt was going to be imprisoned because he could not pay. But after begging for mercy, the man was forgiven of his debt. That same former debtor, then went to another man who owed him a small sum. And because the debtor with the small debt could not pay, he was imprisoned. 

Now when it comes to someone apologizing for something, I know that I need to forgive. This story comes to mind and I remember that I have been forgiven much by the Lord and need to also forgive the person apologizing. But this morning it occurred to me that this same principle applies in the Customer Service Center. God has been patient, gracious and merciful toward me. And yet with other people (who make me stand in line for hours on multiple days) I can be impatient and irritable. When we tried putting the new SIM card in and it did not even work, my anger reared its head again. 

It is easy to see things that don’t work, difficult situations and even difficult people and then respond by having an irritable, complaining attitude. But when I am easily annoyed with others, I am being like that unmerciful servant. Even though the “one action” passport policy doesn’t make any sense to me, it does not show others that I have received the loving, patient, mercy and grace of God when I grumble and complain. Philippians 2:14 reminds us to do “everything without complaining or arguing.” Does “everything” really mean dealing with difficult people and ridiculous policies? I think it does. And as I continue to struggle with my attitude in those situations, I am reminded of how patient God has been with me. Growing up I learned a song that we would sing when we were getting irritable. It was sung by Herbert (the Snail), aka Frank Hernandez. Here are the words: 

“Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry. Remember, remember, that God has patience too and think of all the times when others have to wait for you.”

In these moments of life when I tend to be annoyed, I am learning to ask God to help me remember how much patience and grace I have received and to give me the ability to respond more like Him. 

Thoughts about dog excrement

This morning I woke very early with many concerns running through my mind. After lying in bed and talking with God about them, I finally decided to get up and read. Lately I have been rereading Courage, Dear Heart: Letters to a Weary World, by Rebecca Reynolds. It is an excellent book and has met me in the midst of challenging times and wrestling with God. 

As I walked out to the living room to read, a terrible odor struck me. Since I was still waking I just thought the dog smelled bad, but as I walked across the rug, I stepped in something slimy. I realized that the dog had diarrhea all over the rug and another spot on the concrete floor, which of course splattered far. So I spent 4:30-5:00am cleaning up the nastiest thing. 

I can deal with bodily functions and illness from humans, because I love and value them. Dog bodily functions and especially when they are ill, are a different story. When a child of mine vomited all over me, it was gross and I needed to shower, but my bigger concern was that my child was sick.

As I was thinking about the horrible stench and working hard to remove it from my home, I began thinking about the stench of the brokenness of this world and the sin in my own heart. Rarely do I see my pride as vile as this liquid dog poop. But the stench of pride does more damage. When I get defensive or when I try to control things that are not mine to control, I damage more than the rug. I damage relationships. A rug is easier to fix. 

Right now, life on this earth stinks too. Much of the world is grieving and/or angry over what is happening in Ukraine. Two years of life have been significantly impacted by the pandemic. Friends are grieving the loss of loved ones. Others are dealing with the effects of abuse. Others are dealing with the impact of racism or poverty or a spouse that left. There is a lot of dog diarrhea in this life. So where is the hope? The reason to keep going? 

Rebecca Reynolds reminds us that we have a God who didn’t just look on this from a safe distance. He stepped into this broken, foul-smelling world and took all of that sin and suffering upon himself. When he was covered with our sin, filthy like dog diarrhea, he cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt.27:46) Even when I feel like I am alone, God is still with me. But the Father turned away from Jesus because he took on all of my sin and received what I deserved. Separation from the Father. He did that for me and for you! He did that because of Love! I am not alone as I walk through times of grief or struggle. I have a loving Lord who has experienced terrible grief. He walks with us through the valley. (Ps. 23:4) And one day, the stench will be over and all will be made new. I’m not really sure if this stench will come out of my rug before that day. But until the odor is gone, I will allow it to remind me of the amazing love of my God who took my filth upon himself and gave me his beautiful aroma. 

A mixed bag

Lately life has been full of both celebrations and struggles. It has been a bit emotionally exhausting, to tell the truth. It is difficult to process it all. While circumstances are varied, I am thankful that God is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He is good and works all things for our good even when the situations are difficult. 

Some recent fun experiences included Christmas celebrations with students, the women of Buwundo Beads, GSF kids, GSF staff, our missionary team, and our family, going on safari with our family and some friends, helping plan the events around a proposal for a friend, hosting a wedding and doing pre-marital counseling for some other friends, David starting online seminary classes, schools in Uganda reopening and taking our students on an overnight retreat that included team building, hiking and beach volleyball!. 

In the midst of these blessings we have also had some challenges like getting COVID and isolating as a family of 9, decorating for and hosting a wedding right after having COVID and feeling exhausted, tearing something in my hip playing basketball and having ongoing pain for over a month, our van braking down on the side of the road almost weekly, then finding out that our 30 year old van needs repairs costing more than it is worth, everyone around us needing money for school fees after two years of the economy significantly struggling  due to COVID restrictions, sending our two “foster kids” back to school (photo above), transitioning back to being a family of 7 for this season, making plans about transitioning Elijah to college life in the US, a good but emotional visit with birth family, one of our kids getting a significant wound needing stitches, grieving with a teammate who recently lost a family member, grieving that a friend who came to visit contracted malaria and it got so severe that he was in a coma in the ICU for several weeks and is still struggling to recover,  reconnecting with friends who came back to Uganda to visit and then saying goodbye again, and discussing and beginning to plan for a sabbatical year summer of 2023 through summer of 2024. 

The other day as I was in tears and sharing my many emotions about all of this with a friend, I realized that it is ok to be exhausted with all that has been going on. It is normal that it took a while to physically recover from COVID and it is normal to feel tired. It is not up to me to solve all of the challenges that have arisen in this season. I cannot. I am not God. There are some things that God has called me to do in His strength that are beyond my own abilities, but he will give me what I need to do those things. 

I don’t know if you are feeling weary too, but I want to remember that God has said, 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:28-31‬)

In the midst of the ups and downs of life, God’s faithfulness and loving care for me is constant. He will renew my strength. So as I start another day not knowing what it will hold, I do know that I will cling to Him. 

Time Away

Last weekend I went to Kampala with a friend and took some time away from home to pray, read God’s Word and rest. It was a very encouraging time. I spent the weekend reflecting on the book of Philippians. As I read the perspective of the apostle Paul, I was reminded that in the midst of challenging seasons, I need to cling to God’s faithfulness. 

One of the things that struck me was how Paul continually encourages the Philippians to “rejoice in the Lord.” (Phil. 3:1) I know that rejoicing is not my natural tendency. But we are told that rejoicing in the Lord is a “safeguard” for us. As I look at the world around me I see corruption, hunger, abuse, and death. But as the psalms encourage me, I need to “lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?” (Psalm 121:1) If I keep focusing on the suffering, I fail to see the Savior, the One who brings help in our need. I want to lift up my eyes and fix them on Jesus.. (Heb.12:2) 

I returned from the weekend and was able to rejoice in the Lord a bit more than before. This is not a very linear process for me. I have days where I can rejoice in the midst of struggles and other days where my heart is overwhelmed with grief. Two days after I returned from Kampala there were two suicide bombs detonated in the city and others that were stopped before they could be set off. The city where I had gone for rest just two days before had become a place of chaos, confusion, death and grief. Such is the world in which we live. 

I was reminded that our rest is not found in this world. True rest and peace are found only in Jesus. Today, I cling to him more as I grieve the brokenness. It is my prayer that I can truly “rejoice in the Lord,” even while we grieve over the brokenness. As my Ugandan brothers and sisters often remind me, “God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.”

Thanksgiving and Suffering

Our transition back to life here in Uganda has not been easy sailing. While there is always a readjustment period in transitioning between worlds, this time has been the hardest I remember. While it has been a challenging season, I have seen some ways in which God is at work. 

Yesterday David was asked to speak at the GSF staff Thanksgiving Day. He taught about how we can glorify God through good times and times of suffering. He explained that if our goal is our happiness, suffering just seems to get in the way, but our true goal should be to glorify God. When our aim is the glory of God we can “give thanks in all circumstances.” That doesn’t mean that times of suffering are easy. As he spoke about Jesus waiting to answer Mary and Martha’s request to come heal their brother out of love for them, tears came to my own eyes. The seasons of waiting are hard. They are painful and often full of grief. The resurrection was coming, but Jesus still wept with Mary at the tomb of Lazarus. He knew that he allowed the season of suffering and waiting in his love for them, but he still wept. 

It is so good to know that we have a God who weeps with us. These last two years have been difficult across the globe. But Jesus stands with us as we weep and even uses the seasons of suffering to bring new life in us. I have seen that in my husband. He has become an amazing preacher in the midst of a challenging season. His teaching at the staff Thanksgiving Day was a blessing to many. He preaches at our church about once a month and I am always encouraged by his teaching. Our church is a small group of people meeting underneath a mango tree, so his sermons are not recorded. But I wish they were. I wish you could also be encouraged by the way he clearly articulates the Word of God and applies it in our lives. 

This growing gift in David has developed in the midst of some challenging times. I wish I could tell you that I see how I have grown through this season. Mostly, I see my failures and weakness. Maybe that is growth as I learn not to depend on my own strength, but on the Lord.

David concluded his talk with Philippians 4:11b-13. 

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:11-13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I certainly cannot yet claim with the apostle Paul that I have learned to be content in every situation. I often complain. I often struggle to believe that God is good when I see some of the terrible things that happen in this world. But I was encouraged seeing a small picture of the good that God is working in the midst of the hard. It is my prayer that He will give me the faith to desire his glory above my own plans and to trust Him in the difficult seasons of waiting.