My Lament

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I have been increasingly easily angered. I am still trying to “be patient” about my SIM card not working. I am sitting at the service center for the 5th time as I write. But that is not the reason for all of my pent up anger. I realized that there were several things I was constantly anxious about and several things that, quite frankly, I was angry about toward God. A good friend encouraged me to take time to write out a prayer of lament to deal with some of my pent up anger and anxiety. 

I knew this would take some time to process, so I decided that I needed an afternoon alone. On a day that I did not have any afternoon classes to teach and our house was going to be empty, I scheduled time to lament. My friend gave me an activity from a Trauma Healing training to work through. It talked about the different components of a lament in Scripture. Looking at Psalm 13 as an example, It walked through the various components of a lament. There are basically two essentials. The first is that you are talking to God directly and the second is that you bring your complaint. Often there is repentance and an acknowledgment of God’s goodness, but not always. 

Growing up as a “good Christian girl,” the idea of complaining to God just feels a bit weird. I often think I’m supposed to “rejoice always.” I’m supposed to believe truth about how God is good and uses all things for our good and His glory. I’m supposed to speak truth to myself and believe it. The problem is that I struggle with all of those things. And when I try to take a short cut and jump right to what I am “supposed” to do, think and feel, I end up stuffing my true struggles and faking that I am fine. But when I end up shouting at my kids and am angry at the world, I realize that I am not “fine.” 

So I wrote out my lament, my complaints to God. It was good for my soul. I told him all the things that feel so wrong and grieve my heart. I told him that I sometimes feel like he hasn’t heard my concerns. After exhausting myself with writing my lament, I rested a bit. Then I decided that I needed to actually speak the words aloud to the Lord. For me, sometimes I am not able to fully process without speaking aloud. I was thankful that I had found a time when others weren’t around so that I could feel free to speak my complaints and concerns to God. Even as I spoke my concerns, truths about his loving care for me and my family came to mind. After writing and then speaking my own personal lament, I decided to use the psalms to further express my feelings to the Lord. 

As I read through several of the Psalms, I was sometimes surprised at how bluntly David spoke to God. The Bible tells us that David was a “man after God’s own heart,” and he often brought his complaints to the Lord. The Trauma Healing material says that more of the psalms are laments (67) than any other type. I took some time and wrote out all the things I read that resonated with my soul from several psalms. I also wrote the truths about God that I wanted to cling to even when I am struggling to believe. It was very helpful to me. I don’t feel like I am “all better” and over the grief and struggles I have, but I do feel less angry. And I do believe that God has heard my cry. 

I don’t know what you may be struggling with right now. In this broken world, we all have struggles. But I want to encourage you to pour out your heart to God. He hears you. He sees you. And he wants your heart. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemies say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’ lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love, my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalm 13)

“Be Patient”

I have been getting a message lately that I need to grow in patience. Yesterday as I tried to figure out why the cell phone company shut off my service, I was asked to re-register and then wait. At first, I was told that my SIM card will be turned on within the hour. Since I made a special trip to town for that purpose, I decided to wait in town to make sure it actually turned on. After 2 hours of waiting, I came back to the service center and inquired about why it was still not working. They told me that it was moving more slowly than usual and I was told, “You be patient. Wait the whole day. It will come on. You just be patient.” This is a pretty common phrase here in Uganda. I am often amazed at how patient Ugandans are in general. I could not stay in town all day waiting on my phone to start working since we were hosting our team devotions that evening and one of my kids was at home sick with malaria. 

During our team devotions we talked about God being faithful to keep his promises. I thought, “that is different from the cellular service center.” When God promises that he will do something, he keeps his promises! But it is also true that I often need to be patient to wait on His timing. 

As I was driving to town the next day, I got stuck behind a very slow-moving dump truck on the dirt roads. Because of the rains, much of the road is not wide enough to pass. And big trucks usually stay in the middle to avoid getting stuck. So as I was creeping along the way to town, frustrated that I could not pass, I realized once again that I needed to be patient. 

When I reached the cellular service center, I found out that the reason my phone never started working was that my SIM card was still registered under my husband’s name and he needed to come with his passport and visa to update it. Of course we live about 30 minutes from town (40 when you are stuck behind a dump truck). I decided that I would get a temporary SIM card so that I could communicate until I can get my phone number switched back on when we are both in town on Saturday. This time I waited in the store until I received the message that my phone now had cell service. I am thankful that I do have a means of communication and that God is teaching me to wait on his timing. 

These little things, that take days longer than I think they should, remind me that even when I don’t understand, God is at work. Not having access to my phone or internet helped me realized that I needed more focused times of prayer and meditation on God’s faithfulness. And it also helped me see little ways that he is at work in other areas of life. As I continue to learn to be patient, I am thankful for God’s faithfulness. He is at work and I will trust in Him.

A Rough Christmas Eve

Today was not the day we were expecting or hoping it would be. Early in the morning I found out that some friends had an attempted break-in in the night. I woke after a night of not great sleep due to the power going off. We have been losing power in the night because the days have been cloudy and rainy and we only have solar power. 

We also woke in the night to our dog, Penny, making an unusual sound. David found that she had gotten stuck with her back legs under our couch and was not able to get out. We don’t know how she got into that position, but David was able to get her out and that seemed to ease her pain. When I got up in the morning I was preparing food for a brunch with our missionary team. I was preparing some foods that she usually loves, so I thought I would give her some of the sausage juices along with rice. Her health has been declining over the past several months, but has significantly worsened over the last few days. She refused the sausage soup, even when I fed her by spoon. I thought maybe I should try chicken broth instead. When she also refused the broth I knew she must not be doing well. Throughout the morning her health continued declining. We went to a Christmas brunch with our missionary team and David called to find a veterinarian who would come to our house to check on her. Later in the afternoon, the vet came and we all agreed that Penny was not going to be able to recover and we wanted to reduce her suffering. We sat with her and said goodbye and then they gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. A couple of our kids dug a place to bury her. We said a few words and then buried our dog. It was a Christmas Eve with lots of loss. 

Today I have been thinking about how the heartbreaks like dogs dying and friends having an attempted break-in make us long for eternity where there  will be no more pain or sorrow or death. No theft. No loss. No goodbyes. No brokenness. I look forward to that day when all things will be made new. 

And this is why Jesus had to come. To restore what was lost and broken. To bring healing and redemption. So that all these effects of the Fall in our world will be washed away. This is what Christmas is really about. Our Lord Jesus entered the world as a baby in order to redeem us. 

“O Come, O Come Emanuel, and ransome captive Israel, that Norns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emanuel, has come to Thee O Israel.”

“The thrill of hope the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.” 

I thought it was so sad to experience loss on Christmas Eve, but what a fitting time to put our hope fully in the only One who can bring true joy and peace to our world and to our hearts. May you also find joy and peace in Christ this Christmas! 

Rainy season driving

Yesterday as I was driving to town on the dirt roads we had an exciting experience. Since it has been very rainy lately the roads that are dusty during dry season have become muddy and slippery. On sections where the road goes up or down a hill, deep ravines are forming as the rain runs down and continues to wash away more of the road. Additionally these roads are used by the heavy sugar cane tractors which have been getting stuck in the mud of late. 

As I drove on this muddy mess with people walking on the side and motorcycles coming toward me, I tried to navigate this slippery terrain. In order to avoid hitting people and getting stuck in a ditch, I turned the steering wheel a bit. That was when I realized that I had no control over where this vehicle was going. We were just sliding along and I had no traction. I called back to my boys who were in the van with me to pray! One side of the vehicle slipped into a low rut in the road and then we were able get a little bit of control as we slowly moved ahead. Once the road became more level, we were able to get out of the rut and continue forward. 

My sweet friend who was in the car with me was so encouraging and said that she couldn’t believe I made it through without panicking. I told her that it would not help at all to freak out, so I just prayed and did whatever I could. As we were talking I realized that I have learned to handle some of the crazy things about life here in Uganda in that way, but there are many aspects of life where I struggle much more. 

I told my friend that having the steering wheel in my hand gave me a sense of control when driving, but when we started slipping I realized that I wasn’t really the One in control. And honestly that is a good thing! 

Lately life has been a slippery road. There have been so many challenges and heavy situations. Many people I love are walking through difficult seasons and I cannot control the vehicle. I have written in previous blog posts about losses and Ebola. I’m also taking a quick one week trip to the states for a friend’s wedding and I am concerned about being apart from Evie in particular. Honestly, I feel like I’m metaphorically sliding along the road of life and panicking. I am thankful for that experience while driving because it reminded me that my initial response should be to pray and then just do what I can. It isn’t going to go perfectly. I’m a fallen person in a broken world full of slippery roads. 

I also realized that having an encouraging friend in the passenger seat and my boys praying in the back were such a blessing! Just the presence of my friend in the van reminded me that I was not alone in this struggle. And her words acknowledging the challenges and encouraging me also had a calming effect. Just having people there to ask for prayer also helped! 

This morning I woke ridiculously early, as I often do, my mind spinning. As I write I am listening to the song that reminds me that.”I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God!” I want to learn to rest in this truth as I slip along the road of life. Thank you for praying with and for me and my family. I’m thankful that we are in this together! 

Ebola update

Almost a month ago, Uganda announced that a 24year old man was diagnosed with Ebola and had passed away. There were apparently 20 previous deaths in his area that have since been declared “suspected cases” since it was too late to test to confirm. Now Uganda has had 58 confirmed cases and 21 confirmed deaths. This past weekend, the president of Uganda announced a lock down for the two primary affected districts. Since this outbreak is several hours drive west of us, we have not been impacted much where we are. There have been two cases in Kampala, but they were a couple from the affected regions. We pray that others in the Kampala area were not infected. 

While we are currently not concerned about the outbreak in terms of our personal health, the levels of stress and anxiety are high as we sort through the “what ifs” for both our family and our school. Since we live on a large compound at Good Shepherd’s Fold and are able to isolate with our team here if need be, we do not have any plans to leave Uganda. Below I have included a map from the CDC to help you see the location of the outbreak in Uganda in relation to our location (the yellow dot). 

After more than two years of life being impacted by COVID, we were hoping for a more “normal” school year. Thankfully, our school schedule has not yet been impacted. It is our hope and prayer that this outbreak will end soon and not spread any further. In the midst of the challenges, God continues to teach me to depend on him. I have been trying to read large sections of Scripture to saturate my mind with truth in the midst of my struggles with anxiety. While reading through Romans, I was reminded of the value of suffering, even though it is my tendency to want to avoid it as much as possible. 

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”‭(Romans‬ ‭5:1-5‬)

I am reminded that God has loved me enough to bring me peace through his great sacrifice. And I pray that He will enable me to rejoice in the midst of challenging and uncertain times knowing that he is growing me in endurance, character and hope. Please pray with us both for an end to this Ebola outbreak and that God would grow us in the midst of it. 

Rough Re-entry

We have been in Uganda for a little less than 3 weeks and it has been a whirlwind. We knew we would be jumping in without any adjustment time, but it has been a bit rougher than expected.

When we first returned home, it was good to be settled back in our home, but also sad to have Elijah’s bed and seat at the table empty. It was a sense of loss and while I am thrilled for him and where he is, we are also missing him a great deal! 

We arrived on Saturday and began teacher meetings on Monday with classes beginning on Wednesday. So we needed to quickly adjust to the time zone, unpack and distribute curriculum and prepare to start the semester. We anticipated this and had packed in such a way as to simplify unpacking. 

What we had not anticipated were the many other upcoming challenges. First, David’s SIM card was not working for about a week an a half. So he would drive the 30 minutes to town, go to the service center, wait for hours and then they would tell him that it will start working within the next two hours. The first two times they told him that, his phone still did not work. Of course he had no way to communicate during that time and missed appointments with people and did not get messages about picking up one of our kids, so the SIM card issue led to lots of extra trips to town and what felt like lots of wasted time and money. The cost of fuel has also significantly increased here. 

When fuel costs go up, so does everything else that requires fuel. For example, the cost of food has significantly increased because fuel is necessary to get food to the market. Also, everyone pays more to get to themselves to and from work. In a country where that margin is very thin, many Ugandan friends have told me about their families needing to skip meals to make ends meet. Because of these increased costs along with the start of the next school term, many people have needed additional support. Our employees and Ugandan ministry partners needed additional funding, but there was not any money in our account here in Uganda. We had a miscommunication with the home office and the money was not transferred that was needed for starting back up with school and other ministry needs. The money eventually came, but that added more complications and stress. 

In addition to the stress of not having the money at the time it was needed, we are also realizing that with the increased prices, our budget for this year will not be sufficient. We will be sending out an email with more information about that soon. This has been another source of stress in the midst of this adjustment. The most difficult part of not having sufficient funds is not being able to support our Ugandan friends and ministry partners more in this time of their increased expenses. 

In the midst of our first week back, when David’s phone was not working and we didn’t have money in our bank account, our vehicles were also not working and our solar power stopped working. After a full day with no electricity in our home, we finally found the problem. There was a wire that was damaged going from the solar panels to the batteries. We were  able to get the wire repaired, but the batteries had been completely drained, so we had to wait for the sun to come out the next day to start recharging our batteries. 

When it felt like we had gotten through the worst of all of this, some of our friends lost a child. She was only a year and a half old and our community is all grieving with them. It is heartbreaking to see your friends and students walk through such a loss. I am glad that we were back in Uganda so that I could attend the burial and we could love and support their family in this time of grief. 

The day after the burial I had to take our two Ugandan teenagers back to their boarding school. They lived with us for the 2 years that Ugandan schools were closed for COVID, and they have been staying with us on school holidays for several years now. Since they had been at home with us since our return to Uganda, saying goodbye to them at school was another transition and loss for our family. Some people laugh when I say this, but only having four kids at home feels like our family is so much smaller.  

 In the midst of these challenges, loneliness, and grief, I am learning to pray more. I know that my confidence is not that life will go smoothly or be comfortable, but that God is with me in the midst of it. As I read Psalm 146 this morning I was reminded that my hope is in the Lord alone. He cares about each of these challenges we face and He is the One I need to run to. I pray you also find your hope in Him today. 

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin. The Lord will reign forever, your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the Lord! 

Malaria?

A few nights ago, as we were sharing with friends from our home church about God’s work in Uganda, I started feeling pretty ill. Soon afterward I was shivering uncontrollably. I had been having back and head aches all day, actually on and off for a few days, but I assumed it was just from packing and moving heavy bags. (I’m not as young as I once was.) When I started shivering and then felt nauseous, I realized that this is the normal progression when I have malaria. Last summer when we had been in the US for 2 months, two of our kids came down with malaria. They tested positive after several cycles of high fevers and nausea. 

Now I am wondering if I have malaria. I tested negative for Covid and so I am just treating for malaria. We know too many stories of people coming down with malaria in the US and it getting very severe because the treatment isn’t as accessible here. So we travel with malaria treatment. I have now treated and am feeling much better. The day after my high fever, Esther took care of Evie and did the shopping and packing for heading back to Uganda. She is an AMAZING daughter! What a gift! I slept on and off most of the day and was feeling much better after medicine and some good rest! 

The next day was another day of packing up and shifting to another house. We are very grateful for all of the generosity of many people sharing their homes with us! We will also be happy to be in our own home in Uganda and not living out of a suitcase! One of my children pointed out that we will have slept in 9 different places this summer. I thought that couldn’t be true since we spent a whole month at one missionary guesthouse, but then I counted. It is true. And it is hard to wake up each morning and need to remember where everything is in this house. This morning I noticed that Google maps told me that my “home” was the missionary guesthouse where we stayed for a month. I almost cried. I am thankful that during our next furlough we will be able to stay in our own house in Georgia! 

While a physical “home” has been elusive, our church family certainly felt like home again quickly. Our whole family has reconnected with friends from our church. I am so thankful for these relationships that have been a tangible representation of the love of Christ to us over the years. It makes saying goodbye hard every time, but I am thankful! 

Last night this amazing church family helped us celebrate Elijah turning 18! Since Elijah enjoys chess, our sweet friends who were our gospel community group 10 years ago set up a chess tournament birthday party. It was so cleverly decorated and set up with his favorite things. In the midst of sickness and packing and everything, I didn’t know how I would plan a party, but my sweet friends did it all! I am so very thankful for this community that loves us and uses their gifts to show love to our family! 

 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”
‭‭John‬ ‭15:12

I am so thankful to know the love of Jesus better because of these dear friends who show his love to us!