One year post-op

This week it will be one year since I had surgery to remove the pre-cancerous tissue from the side of my tongue. At first the pain was constant and intense. Now, a year later, I still have pain daily, but not constantly. Usually, by the end of the day I have to concentrate more in order to speak clearly and that side of my tongue feels like it is burning and weak. But thankfully, I usually wake the next morning without pain. This daily reminder that I had pre-cancerous cells sometimes leads to thankfulness and sometimes leads to anxiety. 

Since my surgery, for follow-up care I have been seeing an American dentist in Jinja every 3 months, more frequently if I have an area of concern. Last Monday, I went for a check-up because it was time and because I had some concerns. There is a small area of keratinized tissue. He said that it is possibly from biting my tongue, which I do fairly frequently because I don't have feeling in some of that area. He wants me to come back in 2 weeks. 

Those are the facts. My thoughts and feelings have been on a roller coaster. Some moments, I am able to trust God with the future and just do what he has called me to do today. No use worrying about problems that might not even come. Those moments are the exception. I wake most mornings super tense, sometimes with a headache, sometimes with bad dreams of all the "what ifs." I am thankful that my work here caring for my family, teaching 6 different levels of math, loving on the children at the orphanage, and building relationships with our neighbors in the village keeps my mind fairly busy throughout the day. 

Each morning I tell God again, why he should heal me. As if I know better than him. As I was telling God about how I want to continue doing the work mentioned above, I realized that I was assuming that God needs me to accomplish all of this. He does not. He has graciously given me the privilege of being his hands and feet in the lives of my family, the missionary kids, the children of GSF and our neighbors. But he has a bigger better plan than I can imagine. 

I was telling God about how much I love my children and want to be well so that I can care for them. Then I remembered hearing a sermon by Ray Cortese in which he talked about coming to the realization that God loves our kids better than we ever could. Honestly, I often don't believe that. I think that I can protect them, help them, fix them, care for them best. Isn't that ridiculous? The God who created and sustains this whole world and loves us enough to send his Son to bring us into His family is definitely the One I want to be in control. Still I struggle. I am trying to remind myself of Scriptures that will transform the way I think. Please pray for me as I struggle to rest in God's goodness in this time of waiting. 

As I was debating about whether or not to write this blogpost, I was reading this book. 

Elyse Fitzpatrick talks about how the gospel frees us to be transparent. I don't have to pretend that I am fine and that I am trusting God with the future all the time. I have been given the righteousness of Jesus and don't need to pretend to earn my own "righteousness." 

Another fear in sharing these struggles is that all of you will overreact with me and ask me many questions about the future which I cannot answer. It is hard to say, "I don't know" hundreds of times. I don't know if this will turn out to be nothing or an area of concern. I don't know if it will change our furlough plans going back to see the doctor sooner. I don't know it it will need to be biopsied or if I will need to have another surgery, or what the doctor in the US thinks. I don't like living with this uncertainty. But I do think it is a more dependent, Biblical way to live. I do think God is teaching me to run to him rather than cling to my plans. Sometimes I am a slow learner. This morning I told God, "I believe you are working for my good. I believe you love my children more than I ever could and are working for their good. Please help my unbelief." 

As you pray for me, I have a few specific requests. First, I would love for you to pray with me asking God to bring complete healing to my tongue. But more importantly, I ask you to pray that through this trial I would learn to trust my loving Saviour more. He is good, all the time! Please also pray that I will not lose sight of the fact that God has blessed me with the opportunity to work here for his kingdom and his glory. I still have neighbors who don't know Jesus. I still live next to children who don't have parents to show them the love of God. I still have my own children and teach the other missionary kids who need to be encouraged with the gospel as they grow in their faith. I don't want to become so anxious and introspective that I stop reaching out to and loving those around me. I am also praying that my struggles will be an encouragement to others who are wrestling with trusting God. I am not just writing this blogpost for my sake. I hope it encourages you too. Please walk with me in this journey as we learn to trust God together. I know that that I am not the only one struggling. Jesus told us, "In this world you will have troubles. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Jesus tells us to take heart, not because life will be easy or our struggles are gone, but because He has overcome it all! And one day, those who trust in Him will have no more tears, no more disease, no more anxiety, no more malnutrition, no more pain, no more AIDS, no more abuse, no more abandoned children, no more broken hearts, no more cancer, no more death! And God's people will live with Him for all eternity! (Revelation 21:1-4) Let's trust God together for each day he has given us to be a part of what He is doing to build his kingdom until that day.