Loved in the Midst of Failure

Today, I have felt pretty discouraged about how my lack of planning has had a negative impact on my family. This has worked itself out in several situations over the past couple days. Our plan was to go to Great Basin National Park this morning and see some cool caves and some of the oldest living organisms on earth, the Bristlecone pine trees. Instead our family drove an hour out of our way to the park and then realized that neither of those were possible. So we got ice cream cones instead and then drove an hour back to the RV.
It was really good ice cream and my whole family was gracious even though we were all a bit disappointed. I guess everyone else is out visiting national parks too this summer. Because of COVID, families of fourth and fifth graders can all visit national parks for free. Usually it is just fourth grade, I believe, but this year fifth graders were added since last year was a wash due to COVID. Anyway, all the cave tours were booked and the number of tours offered is still reduced due to COVID. The bristlecone pines were also at an altitude and hike length that wasn’t going to be great for our family. 

After getting back to our RV, I began looking for a place for us to park tonight. We had planned a different route, but due to several factors including one park that is currently turning away visitors due to overcrowding, we decided this morning to change our plans. As I looked around online and made several phone calls, I realized that no RV parks along our  new route have availability tonight. At least none that we can reach in time for check-in. So our plan for tonight is to sleep in a Walmart parking lot. At least we will be able to buy some groceries and drinking water. My younger kids who have been sitting in vehicles for basically two days straight, wanted a place to play or swim. But that didn’t work out this time. I am disappointed that after hours of searching, I am still not able to find a better place. But I am thankful that we have a place to sleep and food to eat. 

I had also been feeling like a failure as a mom because I realized that some of my lack of planning has limited Elijah’s options for online courses for his senior year. We were all disappointed to also find out that some scholarships for dual enrollment courses may not be available since we have not yet applied. I’m praying that we will still be able to get the courses he needs. I do believe that God will use even my failures for good, but it doesn’t feel great in the moment. 

As all of these mistakes, oversights and failures to plan were swirling around in my mind and my body began to respond with my typical anxiety symptoms, I remembered the sermon we listened to on the way to the Great Basin ice cream store. It was a sermon by Ray Cortese from Seven Rivers Presbyterian Church. He talked about our loving Heavenly Father and how he views his children. When God thinks about me, he doesn’t see all of my failures and shortcomings. He sees the perfection of Jesus given to me by grace through faith. He takes great delight in me. (Zeph. 3:17) Today I am comforted by his love in the midst of my failures. And I will choose to believe that He is working for our good even when I mess it all up. 

*As a side note, I want to thank several people in my life who have noticed how I struggle to accept that I am loved in the midst of my failures. First, I should thank my mom and dad. They have shown me grace and unconditional love time and time again. I also remember the counselor I met with in 8th and 9th grade due to my struggles with anxiety and depression. I remember her trying to help me understand that I am going to fail at times and that the world will not end. I think her name was Jeri? She gave me an assignment to intentionally fail at something to show me that I did not have to be perfect. My high school math teacher and basketball coach, Scott Dillion, spoke to me about these truths often. Funny how I turned out the be a math teacher teaching the same good news to my students. The pastor who discipled us and did our premarital counseling while we were in college, Cal Burroughs, helped both David and me understand the good news of the gospel in a much deeper way. And I cannot forget Dr. Graham who frustrated me so much trying to help me understand the gospel implications on teaching and my personal struggles. Thank you all! And there are many other friends, pastors, and teachers who have reminded me of these gospel truths along the way. I’m obviously pretty thick-skulled since I still struggle believing these same truths after so many years and all of these amazing people and more speaking these truths into my life. But I am so much better off for it. I am learning to rest in God’s love for me and not feel like it is up to me to help everyone and be perfect. I am loved by God and declared righteous in Jesus, what more could I want? Nothing,