Missionaries need grace too!

A friend recently sent me a link to a blogpost about the stress of the first year of missionary life. I had mixed feelings when I read it. It felt confirming that all the stress I sometimes feel is normal, but it also made me feel a bit excused to have some self-pity, which is not beneficial. Here is a link if you are interested in reading it for yourself. I have been struggling with some of this stress recently. A few things have come of this. First, David and I have decided to take turns having 5-6pm to go for a walk or a run in order to get exercise and have some time away. Sometimes we go with a friend, sometimes on our own. We also realize that we need to make time for the two of us. We don't have a particular plan in place, but we have teammates and older MKs who are willing to stay with our kids so that we can get some time away. I have also started doing some stretching and yoga videos in the evenings and mornings in order to relieve some of the neck and back pain that comes from being stressed out and from sleeping on a futon. (We are hoping that our bed will be ready soon.) I have also found that getting up early to have time to pray and read God's Word is essential for just functioning on a daily basis. It is actually good to be at this place of desperately needing God, although it is sometimes uncomfortable.

You may wonder what is causing all this stress that requires me to be so intentional about addressing this in my life. Reading the above article may help you understand a bit. Here is one example, yesterday we heard that the land issue will likely not be resolved for at least 6 weeks, so we cannot begin building our house as we had hoped. Please pray with us that it will be resolved quickly. There are several circumstantial factors that contribute to stress, but there are additional heart factors in my life. 

Yesterday, while I was out running with Gracie, a young woman who has been here for several months, we were talking about the stress that I feel and I came to some realizations. Much of my stress comes from a long standing sin pattern in my life of needing everyone's approval. Many years ago I realized that I wanted everyone to think I am great. There are a few problems with that. First, I am a fallen, broken, finite sinner, who will not always be able to make others happy. Second, I am wanting people to think I am great, not look past me and see how great God is that he would forgive and use a sinner like me. In other words, I am trying to steal God's glory. Ouch.

This struggle has been causing stress since I was in middle school or even before, so it is not shocking that this struggle has resurfaced in my life. But as I was talking with Gracie, I realized how challenging that idol can be to please while living in another culture. I don't want to mess up or offend anyone, and I don't want my family to either. No wonder I get so angry when they don't behave in church. I want everyone to think we are all perfect. That is absolutely ridiculous! Of course I am going to mess up and David will too. Of course my children will both sin and make cultural faux-pas. I have been living with such a huge amount of stress because I subconsciously want everyone to think we are perfect. And we live in the middle of campus, so we are always on display!

When I broke down in tears at church, Amy, my teammate and friend, encouraged me to "give myself grace," to remember that I am not perfect and that I am forgiven. I told her that I often don't know how to do that. We have discussed this again since that day and she encouraged me to take time away with David, to remember that I'm forgiven, to remember that the first year is hard, and to make sure I am having time alone with God to remember his grace and truth.

I am writing these thoughts to confess that I am a sinner in desperate need of grace. I am also writing this to remind myself that I am forgiven and God's grace is sufficient to cover all my failures. I can be free to be who God made me to be and try to serve him as he enables me, rather than expecting myself and my family to be perfect.  Here are some of the truths that I need to remind myself. I am writing a personal paraphrase for myself, but I encourage you to read these verses on your own, too. 

Galatians 4:4-7 - God sent Jesus in order to redeem and adopt me into his family. I can call him Daddy and he loves me, not because I have earned his love, but because Jesus gave me his righteousness by faith.

Ephesians 1:3ff - Because I have received mercy, I do not need to live in fear and worry. 

Romans 5:1ff - I have been made right by faith and have peace with God. He is even working for my good through suffering. 

Zephaniah 4:17 - God rejoices over me and quiets me with his love. 

Matthew 7:11 - God is my Father who wants to give good gifts to his children. I may need to readjust what I see as good. 

Mark 2:17- Jesus came for the sick, not those who think they are righteous on their own. 

Psalm 51:17 - What God desires is a broken and contrite heart. He knows I am not perfect and just wants me to live in that humility. 

Matthew 11:28-30 - God wants me to come to him when I am weary and rest in him. 

When I am feeling stress, I need to remember these truths. But there is something else too. I need to open my eyes to all the ways that God has already blessed me and live with a thankful heart. David was talking about how in the midst of discouragement over the land issue he was forgetting how blessed we are to be right here now. I don't want to live always focussing on the things that are stressful and overlooking all of God's blessings right now. 

I have written many posts about thankfulness, mostly because it is more of a discipline than a natural way of thinking for me. I am learning slowly by slowly (as they say here in Uganda) how to rejoice in the Lord always. (Phil.4:4) So this morning I am thanking God for the rain. The rainy season is here! I am thankful that we work just 30 steps from our front door. I am thankful that Jesus has given me his perfect record, because on my own i am not. I am thankful for my teammates here who are encouraging me as I struggle to adjust. I am thankful that here at GSF all these children are being fed, and cared for, and shown the love of Jesus. And I am thankful to have some small role in this work. 

Here is a picture of our school room from my front porch this cool rainy morning.